I Am Night
by Rhianna-Aurora
Summary: Yuna's thoughts directly following the events in Guadosalam.


**A/N: **Just wanted to try my hand at writing from a POV I've never written from before -- Yuna's! Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

_Disclaimer: I don't own FFX or any of the characters or locations mentioned in this fic._

**XoXoXoX**

_In an ancient tongue … my name was "Darkness". I am Night, and the Sunlight is not for me …_

My mind felt as though it were tripping over itself as we entered the Farplane. Ten minutes ago, I had just been Yuna, daughter of Braska; a Summoner trying to defeat Sin.

Now I was … well … I don't really know. But I wasn't the same, that much was certain. I was shaking and my face was red, and my heart was hammering in my chest. Could I really do this? Could I marry Seymour Guado?

Well, of course I _could_. That part was easy. Maester Seymour was powerful and handsome and strong. To anyone in Spira, he'd be a fine choice for a husband. No, I guess the more appropriate question to ask myself was "_Should I_ marry him?".

Lulu and Wakka -- well, they'd support me no matter what, even if they disagreed. It was how it had always been. Rikku -- I knew she wanted me to give up my pilgrimage, and yet, she was still here, with me. Part of me knew that she'd support me, till the end, no matter what decision I made.

But the others …

Kimahri didn't like Seymour … that much he'd made quite clear. And Kimahri had always had my best interests at heart. And Sir Auron … well, he never said much, at least not to me … but I could tell. He didn't trust Seymour.

Truth be told, neither did I. Of course, Maester Seymour was a man worthy of our respect … but, even as I knew and understood that … there was always something a little … _off_ … about him. It made me uneasy, and I often felt like I wasn't in control of my own body when he was around, and not in a good way. He made me feel small, insignificant. As if he had all the power in the world, and he could use it against me at any time.

I was awed by him, and I admired him greatly … but I was afraid, so afraid, of what he could do to me, were he of a mind to. If I crossed him …

Marrying him might not be what I wanted … but what _I _wanted … well, I could never have that. When I became a Summoner, I'd sacrificed my chance for … well … _anything_, really. I was going to save the world, though. And that was enough.

Or, it had been, before ...

Shaking my head to clear my mind of such frivolous thoughts, I closed my eyes and thought about my parents. I knew that they couldn't talk to me, here on the Farplane, but perhaps just seeing them would help me come to a decision. When I opened my eyes, they were before me, suspended in the ether. Together.

My memories of my mother are very vague … she died when I was very small. But I do remember her singing old Al Bhed songs to me -- she had the sweetest voice. My father used to try and sing them for me, after she was gone. I smiled sadly at the memory. He was -- well, terrible, really.

"What should I do?" I asked them in a soft voice, but of course, they didn't answer.

But I knew. Even though this … _marriage_ … to Seymour might make Spira happy, so would defeating Sin. And that happiness would last a lot longer. And I could do that … without Seymour. Without the distraction of a wedding, without having to give myself to a man who I wasn't sure if I liked and respected -- or feared beyond the telling of it.

And then I felt it -- felt _him_ -- Sunlight, over my shoulders, surrounding me and making this dark, lonely place just a little bit warmer. I turned my head to acknowledge him, and I had to smile. He was completely awestruck by everything he was seeing. Being around him was like … seeing the world for the very first time.

"So …" he began in that breezy way he had. "Yuna?"

I looked at him. "I've decided," I said, wanting him to know first. Tidus had been … kind to me. More than kind. So many things, I would have liked to tell him, to give him, to _show_ him … but I couldn't. Not now, not ever. But I _could_ tell him first, that I wouldn't marry Lord Seymour.

"Oh, really?" he said, and I knew he was trying to be nonchalant, but there was an edge of apprehension in his voice. I wondered -- were there things he wanted to tell me, as well? "That's good," he continued.

"I remember, when I was only seven-years-old, in Bevelle that day," I began, hoping that I could make my jumble of feelings coherent to him. Of course, if anyone would understand me, it would be him. "My father had just defeated Sin, and the whole town was out in the streets. Everyone was laughing. They all seemed so happy." I looked at him, smiled sadly. "If I defeated Sin, that would make everyone happy. And I should do what everyone wants, not just what I might want."

"Well, let's go back!" he said, grabbing my hand and pulling me toward the exit. His smile was radiant, and for a moment, I truly believed that yes, he _did _have things he wanted to tell me, and it made me happier than it should have. "You've got to tell Seymour!"

"Wait," I said, unable to contain the small laugh that bubbled up in my throat. "Before we go … call Sir Jecht. Give it a try." He looked dubious. "Don't worry," I said, "he won't come."

He gave me a look that said he thought I was crazy, and I couldn't help but grin. Maybe he wasn't … meant for me, and maybe this was all just silly … but he made me happy. And he made me warm. These last days were dark enough, and I was just grateful that he was around.

After several seconds, nothing had happened. "See, I told you," I said. "That means he's alive, you know."

His brow furrowed then, as though he were having a dark thought. "I'd rather never see him again."

My smile faded as my heart ached for him. "What makes you hate him so?"

"Everything he does just makes me mad! It's his fault my mother …" A very pretty young woman appeared then, and he gasped. "Mom! It's her."

"She's very pretty," I told him. It was true … I could see where he got his features and his blue eyes. I half-wondered if he'd pick up on the fact that by complimenting her, I was trying to compliment _him_.

After a few moments of silence, he spoke again. "But ... No one performed a sending for her."

"She must have accepted death, while she was still alive," I said, before I was aware I was speaking.

"Hey! That's my mother you're talking about!" he said.

"Oh!" I said, embarrassed. "I'm so sorry."

"It's all right," he said good-naturedly. "You know, I think I just figured something out." I listened intently while he told me about life with his mother and father, and how his mother had just seemed to give up on life after Sir Jecht went away. I couldn't imagine that -- if I had a child, I would want to be strong for them, I thought, no matter what might have happened.

I put my hand on his shoulder, hoping to offer comfort. "Oh, man," he said, and his cheeks reddened endearingly. "I must sound so stupid."

"I don't think so," I told him. In truth, I was touched that he had told me.

"How embarrassing," he muttered, and I bit back a smile. He looked at me then, and our eyes met, and everything seemed to be all right. For a minute, there was no Spira, no Sin, no _Seymour_. For that minute, there was just … peace.

"Well? Need some more time?" Wakka's voice broke the calm of the moment, and I turned to face my friends.

"No, I'm ready," I said, and I looked sidelong at Tidus, who smiled just a bit. I looked away quickly. There was something about the way my heart sped up when Tidus looked at me … it was different than the way it felt when I was around Seymour. I didn't _really_ understand it all … but I had a pretty good idea. I just … couldn't spend too much time thinking about it.

This was not for me.

"Did I miss something?" Lulu asked, looking back and forth between us questioningly.

Tidus laughed nervously and I shook my head. "No, let's go," I said, and then followed Lulu out of the Farplane. Rikku and Sir Auron, who had waited outside for us, stood when we approached. "Thank you for waiting. I'm ready to go give my answer to Maester Seymour."

Auron nodded at me, and I knew that he knew, and that he approved. It made me glad, in a way. It almost felt like approval from my father.

Suddenly, there was a collective gasp from the Guado who maintained the entrance to the Farplane. I spun around and saw a ghostly figure emerging from the Farplane's portal. "Lord Jyscal!" several of the Guado gasped.

With a sinking feeling in my stomach, I took a step closer to the figure of the previous Guado leader -- Maester Seymour's father.

"It does not belong here," Sir Auron said.

"Why?" I said softly, to no one in particular.

"Yuna. Send him." Sir Auron's voice was firm, and I knew, no matter what the cause was, my hope for breaking ties with Maester Seymour and continuing my journey in peace were over.

"Lord Jyscal …" I breathed, part of me wanting to know what had happened to him, but the bigger part of me just being _mad_.

"He is Lord Jyscal no longer," Lulu said. "Send him now."

I did as she said, and we made our way back to Guadosalam. When Sir Auron said that Lord Jyscal must have died an unclean death, I started to wonder. When we reached Guadosalam, and found Lord Seymour had already left, I _knew_. And when we reached the Travel Agency in the Thunder Plains, and I was finally able to play the sphere that Lord Jyscal had dropped when I'd sent him … my suspicions were confirmed.

I felt the warmth of him before he'd entered the room, and I knew he was concerned about me. I wanted to throw myself in his arms, and to tell him everything. I wanted to let him take me to Zanarkand -- I wanted to run away with him. To wherever he was going to go after all this was said and done … I wanted to go too.

But I _couldn't_. I was a Summoner, and it was my duty to protect Spira, to keep it safe. And it wasn't just Sin the world needed to worry about any more. So I did my job -- I had to make _everyone_ happy; I couldn't do what _I_ wanted. So I shut him out.

"You should knock," I told him in a voice so cold, I was sure it couldn't be my own.

"I'm sorry," he said glumly, and I felt terrible. "I shouldn't have come in." His eyes fell on the sphere, which I hadn't managed to turn off yet. "Hey! Isn't that … that Jyscal Guado guy?"

I sighed and nodded. "The sphere is … his will. It says 'take care of my son.'"

"His son?" Tidus asked. "Seymour?" He made a face, and I looked away. "Well, I know one way to take care of him."

Shaking my head, I pushed past him. "I'm sorry," I said as I left him alone. I found an empty, unlocked room, and entered it. I pressed myself against the wall, and forced myself not to cry. Not now. Tears would just have to wait.

It wasn't as though this were new information. It was silly of me to get attached, silly of me to start hoping for things that could never be. I knew all that, and I'd known it from the beginning.

He should have stayed in Luca. Better yet, he should never have come here _at all_. Before him, things were so simple. My decision to become a Summoner had been an easy one. It was the right thing to do … and it was a way to honor my parents. I only ever wanted to keep people from having to suffer the losses that I had suffered. Oh, I know Lulu and Wakka weren't happy, but they understood. And it would be hard to leave them, yes. But I had … made my peace with it, long ago.

And if he hadn't come here, everything would be as it should be! But he made me yearn for things that I hadn't even known I'd wanted before. Things that I could never had.

This was not for me.

In an ancient language, older than even the city of Zanarkand, my name meant "Darkness". And it's what I am. I am Night, and the Sunlight is not for me.


End file.
